Not everyone is ready to have a frank conversation, this applies to best friends, and even husband and wife. But this does not mean that there are no ways to get a person to talk and get the necessary information out of him. It is very difficult to find those strings that, by pulling, can make a person speak.
How to get someone to talk quietly
The main weapon can be called sincerity. For example, if you entrust some small secret to your interlocutor in order to get a person to talk, then he will begin to feel significant, and this is natural, because he was entrusted with a secret, his self-esteem increases in his eyes.
And at this moment the person becomes talkative. It should be noted that quite often this method is used by bosses to manipulate their subordinates.
To do this, they invite their subordinate for tea or coffee, and during the conversation they share some little secret. An employee, privy to his boss's secret, becomes inspired by such success.
At the same time, the holder of the secret believes that he is obliged to help his boss in every possible way, to help him out and not demand anything in return for this, because he is the chosen one.
In moments of such revelation, you can easily manipulate your interlocutor, because for the first few minutes he is in shock, at this moment the opponent’s mental processes slow down, therefore, he becomes easily suggestible and at this moment it is easier to simply impose your own point of view on your interlocutor. At the same time, a frank, sincere conversation provokes the opponent to respond with frankness.
In other words, a person who masters the art of frank conversation can easily manipulate others, if desired, he can build communications that are beneficial for himself, and direct the actions of his interlocutors in the direction he needs. Sometimes this is done unconsciously, but sometimes on purpose.
How to understand that another person is trying to talk to you
As a rule, frankness and trust imply closeness between people and generally people do not try to control their frankness in such cases. If you notice that you are deliberately being called to a frank conversation, take a good look at the interlocutor, try to understand his intentions. And if you doubt something, just listen more and talk less.
Well, if a person is sincere, he will first tell you about the reasons for his frankness; the words: “you open your soul to a person, but he doesn’t even want to listen” should strain you a little, because in this way the majority tries to manipulate the interlocutor for selfish purposes.
You should learn to ask questions correctly in order not only to get a person to talk, but also to avoid becoming a victim of someone else's curiosity. To do this, you need to correctly build internal dialogue and study the main types of questions.
We will teach you how to obtain information in a conversation in this article, but first we need to understand how internal dialogue differs from external dialogue.
So, with the help of internal dialogue, we organize our own thinking and formulate our thoughts. And thanks to how well, accurately, consistently and appropriately we formulated the questions, the result of communication with the interlocutor also depends.
External dialogue is communication. Your emotional state greatly influences the course of the external dialogue, so if you are a little disappointed or tired, you should reschedule the conversation to another time convenient for you.
If you want to get a person to talk and get information in a conversation with a person, take this seriously, plan the meeting in advance, think about what you want to hear from your interlocutor, how frank he can be with you. In order to get as much information as possible, you must remember the following rules.
How to find out information from a person
Rule #1. Be kinder. Try to communicate on a calm note, do everything possible to make your interlocutor feel your desire to communicate, your friendliness.
Rule #2. To get a person to talk and find out the necessary information from him, do not press your interlocutor, it is better to be a little frank with him, tell him some story about your life. Let this be your secret, emphasize this point. Then your interlocutor will understand that you are sincere towards him, and perhaps he will also reach out to you with a frank conversation.
Rule #3. Start a conversation about something casual. Any start of a conversation about business will lead to the fact that both parties will begin to worry, and you will lose that thread of pleasant communication. Try to sit comfortably, preferably with a cup of tea or coffee.
Rule #4. Let your interlocutor feel that you are communicating on the same level. That is, you should not communicate with a child as with an adult, and vice versa. Very often, husbands talk to their wives as if they were children, although in essence these women can not only be a good wife and cope well with some of the responsibilities of a man. And such a start to a conversation can lead to irritation, and, consequently, to no result.
Using the above simple rules, you can get a person to talk and get the necessary information from him.
The practice of obtaining information shows that psychological factors play a decisive role in this process. In most cases, success here depends on the ability to establish psychological contact with the interlocutor and, in the process of communication, influence his conscious and unconscious areas of the psyche. Such influence is exerted for different purposes. One of them is to obtain certain information that he would not like to share with anyone. Based on practical experience, there are two main ways to obtain the necessary information.
The practice of obtaining information shows that psychological factors play a decisive role in this process. In most cases, success here depends on the ability to establish psychological contact with the interlocutor and, in the process of communication, influence his conscious and unconscious areas of the psyche. Such influence is exerted for different purposes. One of them is to obtain certain information that he would not like to share with anyone.
The general psychological basis on which it is possible to obtain information of interest is the theory of the unconscious. The term “unconscious” is used to designate such phenomena that occur in the human psyche, but are not conscious of it. The meaning of obtaining information through elicitation is to, based on the general patterns of the subject’s mental activity, encourage him to transmit information in one form or another. Since this subject, as a rule, does not want to consciously convey this information, he must be encouraged to transmit it unconsciously.
Unconscious mental processes are a direct necessity for the normal functioning of the body. This reveals another function of the unconscious: it provides “unloading” of consciousness, which is reflected in the development of so-called “defense mechanisms” of consciousness. The meaning of defense mechanisms is that they displace or suppress all that information from consciousness that interferes with or contradicts a person’s activities and behavior in a particular situation.
If we turn to the psychological structure of the personality, then in its various substructures one can find many elements that are unconscious mental phenomena. For example, the main elements of biologically determined qualities - properties of temperament, inclinations, innate drives, etc., as a rule, are not recognized by a person. Many mental phenomena have elements of the unconscious. Stable elements of professional and life experience, as a rule, are not recognized by the subject. These are automated skills, abilities and especially habits. Many actions that are performed by a person repeatedly and have vital significance also remain outside of his consciousness.
Finally, certain character traits inherent in a person, his inherent abilities, are also not always realized by him. Often, in order to realize these traits, the subject needs certain circumstances that will reveal these traits as elements of personality. Sometimes a person is not aware of his abilities and they are revealed as his self-awareness develops in the process of practical activity. Consequently, unconscious phenomena are not the realm of something mysterious; These are ordinary mental phenomena, but have not reached the level of consciousness.
Based on general theoretical principles and practical experience, we can distinguish two main ways to obtain the necessary information:
First- this is an inducement of the subject to involuntary statements of facts that are of interest to you.
Second- inducing the person of interest to involuntary physical and expressive actions containing relevant information. Within these methods, one can identify a number of specific techniques with the help of which the necessary information is obtained.
Demonstration of specific items,“revitalizing” relevant images in the memory of the person concerned and prompting him to make involuntary statements. For example, to find out some aspects of the life of a person of interest or to start a conversation on a political topic, you can use relevant newspapers or magazines.
In general, it should be said that personal belongings of this person (toilet items, books, etc.) can be used as specific objects that prompt the interested person to make involuntary statements; objects belonging to this person’s loved ones, or other objects accessible to perception. The presence of such specific objects gives a double psychological result.
It goes without saying that reviving images of the past in memory is a fairly conscious process. As for statements, they are, as a rule, unintentional, in the sense that the person we are interested in, talking about his life, does not realize that by doing so he is communicating the information that interests you.
Necessary conditions for the successful use of this technique:
the object chosen for demonstration must be associated with an object that would resurrect in the memory of the person of interest the events to be clarified;
the demonstration should always be natural and justified by the specific situation;
your actions and actions when demonstrating an item must be expressively justified.
It should be noted that the basic rule for using this technique is the following: the incentive to make an involuntary statement when demonstrating objects achieves its specific goal only if the person of interest does not realize that the given object serves as a reason for the statement.
Using a related topic of conversation. This technique generally makes it possible to conduct a focused conversation without resorting to asking questions. Such a topic revives a number of images in a person’s memory, inevitably capturing into its orbit images from the area of forbidden information, that is, information known only to him. What should be taken into account here is not the list of possibilities, but the way of posing the topic itself, that is, the ability to ask the main question with leading questions and get an answer to it. Switching to a related topic can be done using a variety of neutral questions.
The essence of this phenomenon is that practically identical reactions occur in a person to all words that are similar in meaning, that is, they belong to the same logical group, and almost do not depend on their sound or spelling.
The main conditions for the successful use of this technique are as follows:
the topic of conversation used as a related topic must be known to the person of interest and have a certain personal significance and value for him;
the related topic should logically follow from the specific situation;
the actions and actions of the person receiving information must be psychologically justified and expressively confirmed, that is, correspond to the professional and individual characteristics of the individual.
Methodological conditions for using this technique:
a related topic should not be too close to the main issue to be explored, since otherwise it takes on the character of a poorly disguised direct question;
the topic should not be too distant from the main issue being clarified, because this evokes a lot of other images and leads to statements that do not contain the information of interest.
Thus, using a related topic of conversation to obtain information of interest to you is to revive the impressions stored in the memory of the person of interest, to mask the real meaning of the related topic, and as a result to induce him to inadvertently convey relevant information.
Using the sense of significance of a particular person. People generally try to maintain and increase their self-esteem. By touching this feeling, you can ensure that the person of interest, defending his prestige, speaks out on an issue of interest to you. In targeted conversations, you can use a person’s desire to defend his point of view at all costs and increase his personal significance in the eyes of others. In this case, the existing relationship with the interested party should be taken into account. Taking into account how this person treats you, certain prerequisites are created for receiving information. These prerequisites include the following:
the desire of the interlocutor to sincerely and selflessly help the partner. This desire is usually expressed in attempts to give specific advice, convince, etc.;
a feeling of gratitude experienced in response to the actions and statements of a partner. Therefore, the interlocutor can provide information that interests us, considering his actions as a kind of return of a “debt”;
the desire to surprise the opponent and cause him confusion. This factor is clearly manifested in the process of a dispute that affects the interests of both interlocutors;
the need to receive a response from the interlocutor to one’s statements. This factor is of particular importance when the partner enjoys authority from the interlocutor. Sometimes, when they say something, they want to get advice or an approving response from the person they value.
All this gives reason to use specific techniques of this method when obtaining information of interest, such as appealing to self-esteem, showing indifference, “playing” on the interlocutor’s self-esteem and showing participation. Let's briefly look at these designated techniques.
1. Appeal to self-esteem. This technique involves praise, flattery, a emphasized expression of respect, great interest and attention towards the interlocutor. The technique is especially effective when communicating with vain and ambitious people. Appeal to self-esteem allows you to establish close relationships with such people and promotes the manifestation of sincerity on their part.
You should always give a compliment before praising;
when giving praise, you should adopt an appropriate facial expression and posture;
It is better to emphasize the “advantages” of the person of interest by comparing him with his opponents. At the same time, you should know that everything is good in moderation, and this should not be forgotten.
2. Showing indifference. This technique is used when the interlocutor has a great desire to discuss the information he has, to bring up in a conversation news known only to him, to which he attaches great importance. Showing indifference to information that is important from the interlocutor’s point of view, neglecting it hurts his pride and thereby stimulates to the expression of additional data emphasizing the significance of this information.
you need to sense in time that the person of interest is “overflowing” with information. This is certainly noticeable in the behavior of this person: he casts frequent glances towards the person to whom he wants to say something, cannot sit quietly in one place, and begins to gesticulate vigorously.
At this time, you cannot impose your topic of conversation on the person you are interested in;
a manifestation of indifference on your part can prompt this person to speak only in conditions of trust. This is determined by the desire of the person of interest to be alone with you. In the absence of trust, an indifferent attitude towards this person will cause responses of this kind in him.
3. Use of emotional stress. In this case, emotional stress refers to a state of mental tension. In this state, a person’s control over his behavior and statements weakens. There are several stages in the development of this condition. Emotional stress occurs as a result of any sudden and strong impact on a person, exciting his psyche and disrupting normal orientation in the environment. The main stage is a period of violent experiences, poorly controlled actions and speech reactions. Emotional stress ends with a gradual transition to calm.
You can put the person of interest into a state of emotional stress by asking an unexpected question, making an inaccurate or false statement; report supposedly “important” information, show your knowledge of something.
4. Posing an unexpected question. This technique has two varieties. By asking an unexpected question, you can confuse the person of interest and convict him of something, for example, of deception. In the first case, this person may not be aware of the interlocutor’s intentions, in the second, he is aware of these intentions.
Conditions for successful use of this technique:
an unexpected question should not be related to the topic of the present conversation;
The basic rule for using this technique: if the task is to expose or incriminate the interlocutor, an unexpected question should confuse the person of interest; if it is necessary to confuse him, then it is necessary to provide for this person a way out of this situation.
5. Inaccurate or false statement. By deliberately making a false statement or speaking incorrectly on any issue, we count on the fact that the interlocutor will want to clarify or supplement our statement. This technique is especially effective when communicating with emotional and impulsive people, who are easily unbalanced by distortion of facts. This technique is no less effective in relation to people who consider themselves “experts” or great scholars.
Conditions for the successful use of this technique:
the inaccurate or false statement must relate to the area of ideas that concern the person of interest at the moment;
such an action should create a certain difficulty for the person of interest in the form of a struggle of motives: to say - not to say, etc.;
the person using this technique must convince the interlocutor of the sincerity of his behavior.
The basic rule for using the technique: the falsity of the statement must be outlined basically correctly; only some specific detail of our information can be distorted.
6. Reporting “important” information. Using information that can change a person's mood helps direct the conversation and get the information you want.
Conditions necessary for the successful use of this technique:
when selecting “important” information, it is necessary to take into account the dominant needs of a person and his individual psychological characteristics;
it is required to be in a state of trust with the interested party;
the source of information must have the necessary respect and authority in the eyes of the person of interest.
7. Showing awareness. This technique is used when some details of the issue and events are already known and additional information is needed. Skillful handling of even a few known details can give the person the impression that the interlocutor is fully informed and encourage him to reciprocity and frankness.
8. Planting false evidence. It has long been known that a person trusts ideas that arise in his own head much more than those that are presented to him by other people. Therefore, people experienced in psychology try to avoid direct pressure on a person, but prefer indirect influence on his way of thinking. To do this, they seem to inadvertently throw certain information at him, from which he must draw conclusions himself. The art of obtaining information lies precisely in the fact that with the competent presentation of certain facts, the object of your interest should draw exactly those unambiguous conclusions that you are counting on.
9. Creating the image of a “simpleton”. The essence of this technique is to deliberately belittle one's own mental abilities, to create a feeling of intellectual superiority in the target. As a result, a person loses his vigilance, since he does not expect any trick from the “simpleton” with whom he communicates. In fact, it is he himself who is the simpleton, not you.
Methodology for obtaining information of interest
Preliminary study of the interlocutor is, of course, one of the most important tasks of the methodology for obtaining information. In practical terms, one should take into account those norms that regulate the behavior and relationships of people in the process of communication and significantly influence the process of obtaining information. Some of these norms are also determined by the national psychological characteristics of a person. These are also the character traits of the person we are interested in. You must correctly imagine which character traits of the person you are interested in can make it easier and which can make it more difficult to obtain information in a conversation. First of all, you should pay attention to the degree of his suggestibility and conformity, as well as such weakness of character as talkativeness. There are people who cannot keep within themselves a single thought that arises in their head, or a single piece of news heard from others. Until these people tell what they have to several people, each individually, they cannot be calm. This trait is often used and should be used in purposeful conversations that intentionally involve people who have similar traits. Knowing a person's character traits makes it possible to use people's vanity and ambition. Under certain circumstances, people with such character traits may take rash actions and statements only in order to attract attention to themselves and earn a positive assessment from another person.
It is also important to keep in mind that for most people, telling the truth is always easier than lying. Therefore, in situations where they have to tell a lie or hide the truth, many get lost and allow so-called “talks”, involuntarily expressing the truth, which always needs to be taken into account.
It is important to note the intellectual and speech abilities of the interlocutor, the features of his memory and observation. This helps to form a correct picture of a person and more objectively evaluate the data he reports. It is also important to know the degree of sociability of a person: how easily you can start a conversation with him, what position he usually takes in a conversation. The person’s mood during the conversation should also be taken into account. Events preceding a conversation can significantly affect the state of the interlocutor, his feelings, and his readiness to start a conversation and maintain it. Thus, various aspects of the personality of the subject of interest to us can lead to involuntary statements.
When making a final assessment of the personal qualities of the interlocutor, one should avoid prejudice and haste in forming an opinion. Bias interferes with a person's objective perception and leads to erroneous conclusions. In addition, there are cases when people who at first seemed withdrawn later turn out to be very pleasant interlocutors.
In order for a focused conversation to be successful, you must have sufficient general training to easily and naturally support the conversation and develop it in the desired direction. Having erudition helps in conversations with people of different professions and interests, different social and age groups. General training and erudition should also include deep knowledge in the field of interest to the interlocutor.
Psychological preparation for focused conversations includes several components. One of them is the creation of an optimal psychological mood, which allows you to start a conversation without significant effort.
In order to free yourself from tension and maintain your interlocutor’s readiness to communicate, you should distract yourself from the upcoming action and remember situations in which you successfully solved similar problems. It is important to mobilize yourself for the upcoming action and constantly maintain this.
Another important aspect of psychological preparation is practicing the optimal line of behavior in the upcoming conversation. To successfully obtain information, you should behave freely, confidently and even somewhat condescendingly in a conversation. The choice of course of action depends on the individual qualities, character and temperament of the person you are interested in.
An independent component of psychological preparation for receiving information is predicting specific situations that may complicate the task: changes in the interlocutor’s mood, alertness, resentment, unfavorable emotional reactions. Good preparation for a conversation gives confidence and calm in a situation where there is practically no time left to think about a decision.
Practice shows that the conditions of the conversation significantly influence its process. An “informal atmosphere”, a calm place conducive to casual conversation, sufficient time for a detailed conversation, help solve problems in obtaining information. Focused conversations are best conducted in an informal setting, when the person you are interested in is free from professional responsibilities.
When entering a conversation, you should try to create a relaxed atmosphere. The initial topic should help to establish psychological contact as much as possible and allow you to further move the conversation in the direction that interests you.
Attempts to obtain information without a previously established contact usually do not lead to the desired result. However, you should not excessively delay the initial stage of the conversation to the detriment of solving the main tasks of obtaining information. Prolonging the conversation when discussing general topics can also lead to undesirable results. After receiving the necessary information, you should gradually reduce the conversation to a neutral topic and continue the conversation for some time.
Yuri Chufarovsky,
Doctor of Law, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Professor of the Department of Criminal Law Disciplines of the Faculty of Law of the Moscow Academy of Finance and Law.
There was a time, on the pages of the site you learned: “How to enter the role of Stirlitz and master the skills of collecting “indirect evidence” and “reading between the lines.” “Spy games like this are absolutely legal and more than justified.” Now we are mastering the role of Stirlitz in his personal life, because it is more important than work.
The advice you received from the book “How to Get the Information You Need from Someone at Any Time: Secrets of Interrogation from an Intelligence Veteran” by James O. Pyle and Marianne Karinch will, of course, not reveal secrets of national importance, but will teach you how to structure a conversation with your interlocutor in this form so that he involuntarily gives answers to your questions.
"There are two things people won't give you for free: money and information," said Mr. Pyle, who served in the U.S. Army, the Army Intelligence Center and the Pentagon's Joint Intelligence Agency. In his book, he tells the reader that during a conversation a person needs to ask “control” questions, the answers to which you already know. Such questions will help you understand: “a person is lying to you, or he simply does not know, or does not pay attention to it,” says the author.
There are also “persistent” questions, which are necessary to ask about the same thing, but in a different interpretation. These questions “will help probe the issue of interest from all sides.”
It is important to remember that you should not conduct the conversation in the form of an interrogation. There is no need to let the person know that you want to learn some information from him; on the contrary, “your goal is to obtain measured information during the conversation,” the author advises. This means that you must also communicate certain information about yourself, reacting with interest to your interlocutor’s remarks. Here are specific situations for the correct conduct of a conversation from an intelligence expert.
How to find out from a girl on the first date whether she plans to have children?
This is a rather delicate question and should not be asked “head-on” on the first date. In this situation, you can advise saying something about yourself and seeing the person’s reaction. For example, if you want to find out whether your interlocutor was married, then simply say that you were married and look at his reaction. “A person’s eyes will tell you a lot,” says James O. Pyle. Carefully observe how the person reacts to your statement, compare this behavior with when you do not touch on personal topics during the conversation.
Regarding the issue of children, the author of the book advises using a “third party” approach. If there is a child nearby, you may exclaim, “Oh my God, look how cute the boy is!” Of course, you won’t get an exact answer to your question, but you will definitely find out the person’s attitude towards children: “Yes, but children have no place in expensive restaurants” or “Yes, I myself have two little daughters and I really miss them.”
Does my colleague earn more than me?
It is rude to ask a person about his salary. But if you use a little trick during the conversation, you will easily achieve the desired result.
You can build a conversation like this: “If I could be half like you, I would earn twice as much as I do now.” So, you've launched your fishing rod. Now we are waiting for the answer: “No, I don’t earn that much.” Now you can carefully move on: “Well, at least you probably earn (...) thousands of dollars.” To which you will most likely receive the answer: “No, that’s too much for me.” We build the conversation further and state a very low salary level, to which the person will answer: “No, more.” Usually at this moment the interlocutor admits how much he receives. But even if this does not happen, you will already have enough ideas about your colleague’s income.
What does the nanny do with my child while I'm at work? Does she do what I ask of her?
If, for example, your nanny does not go on daily walks with the child, as you asked her, then, of course, she will not tell you about it. Here you will need various questions that will help you understand whether she is lying or telling the truth.
James O. Pyle advises in this case not to ask questions whose answers only imply “yes” or “no.” You can structure your conversation with the nanny as follows: “How did you go for a walk today? Where were you? What they were doing"? As research conducted by the FBI shows, a person will try to minimize communication or try to switch the conversation to another topic if he is lying: “Okay, we walked in the yard and went home.”
If you find this answer suspicious, continue the conversation further: “What time did you go out for a walk? What did you see? Who did you meet?" Then you can summarize the conversation and release one important detail or, conversely, add something that was not there. If a person does not catch the mistake and does not correct you, this is a sure sign that he is lying.
Perhaps during the conversation you will catch your interlocutor on the inconsistency of some facts. If you feel tension in a conversation, you should defuse the situation. You can temporarily turn the conversation in a different direction and say: “It smells so delicious! What did you cook for dinner? After some time, you can return to the previous topic again.
My parents are already quite old. I wonder how much savings they have in case they need constant care?
“My parents don’t even want to talk about their savings, let alone let me know what money they have or where it is kept. I don’t even know if they drew up documents for the right to use savings in the event of their death” - such questions puzzle many people.
In this situation, James O. Pyle advises the following: Tell your parents how much you love them and that you are very grateful to them for everything they have done for you. Then tell us about how your neighbor had a stroke, but they could not provide her with timely medical care because she did not issue a written power of attorney for her relatives. After that, say: “I want to ask you something, not out of curiosity, but so that I can help you in difficult times.” Then you can ask.
“I think it will work,” says James O. Pyle. If not, then say: “Why don’t we talk about this topic.”
In any case, your persistence will bear fruit. This applies to a five-year-old child whom you ask what he had for lunch and a prisoner of war who must confess. You just have to keep asking, “What else?” until the person says, “That’s all.” You need to be able to start a conversation correctly, and your interlocutor may not even understand that he is telling you the information you need. “You can’t force yourself to be nice,” says Mr. Pyle. “But you can cheat a little.”
Francine Rousseau journalist in "TIME", speaker, book authorThey"re Your Parents, Too!HowSiblings Can Survive Their Parents" Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy.
Based on materials from healthland.time.com
Finding out more about a person without violating the norms of decency and maintaining correctness is not so easy. People tend not to answer direct questions if the subject of interest concerns them personally.
But for effective communication, we need to know more about the new interlocutor. His preferences, interests, financial wealth, age, type of activity, deep values - you cannot ask about all this directly. After all, no one likes people who stick their nose into something that isn’t their business.
To facilitate the process of building personal or business relationships, use the correct methods of retrieving information.
Technique 1. Assumption
Based on the human need to correct mistakes.
A person just needs to be right. He practically never misses an opportunity to correct mistakes made by his interlocutor.
Therefore, by making an assumption on any topic, you seem to be telling a person the truth or a lie. As a result, they will either agree with you, perhaps even adding information, or refute you and explain why they consider themselves right.
Technique 2. Reciprocity
Based on the need of people to reciprocate things that are pleasant to them.
People are usually happy to exchange pleasantries. Therefore, instead of asking incorrect questions to a new acquaintance, such as “Where do you work? Where do you live? Where do you relax?”, it is better to tell about yourself and your preferences, thereby raising the importance of your interlocutor with such a confidential conversation.
There is a high probability that the interlocutor will satisfy your curiosity and tell you about himself without unnecessary questions.
Technique 3. Value judgments
People often do not miss the opportunity to express their views on what is happening to third parties.
If we are not talking about us, then people are often happy to evaluate the events taking place in the lives of other people. Thus, by telling stories about third parties, you can easily understand how your new acquaintance relates to topics such as adultery, betrayal, love or conscientious attitude towards work, partnership and friendship, etc.
Technique 4. Empathy
People often feel affection and sympathy for those who are able to put themselves in their place.
It is important to construct sympathetic phrases correctly. Option: “I understand you very well” is not the best, as it causes mistrust. “How can you understand me if you have never encountered...”
The best solution would be to say: “It looks like you are going through a test... I can’t even imagine how you manage... I admire your self-control, because it’s not so easy to deal with this. I can’t imagine how I would tolerate something like that.”
This form of caring satisfies a person’s need for understanding and recognition. This significantly exalts him in his own eyes, thereby improving his attitude towards you. You'll be surprised how quickly this form of communication wins over people.
For a more effective outcome of the contact, you should also remember some pitfalls that can significantly interfere with the establishment of quality relationships.
Three conversation loops that destroy communication.
- Topics that cause a negative reaction from the interlocutor greatly affect his self-esteem. By causing negative feelings, you will reduce his disposition towards you.
- Don't complain about life. Every person has a reason for dissatisfaction, and there is no great desire to listen to someone else's problems. People try to avoid such interlocutors.
- Avoid idle chatter. It doesn't inspire sympathy.
Stay with me and you will significantly shorten your path to success!
Are you embarrassed to participate in a conversation in a large company, because there are already leaders there who are always telling something and throwing in jokes at the right time? Do they seem to have an inexhaustible supply of witty answers to any question and remarks on any occasion? Yes, ease of communication is not always a natural quality. But it can and should be developed. We have collected some useful tips for you on how to become a pleasant conversationalist.
Everyone has situations when it is difficult to carry on a conversation with an interesting person or attract their attention to you. What can I say, even just finding the right words in a personal conversation with a friend or girlfriend is not so easy. What should I do? Train, train and train some more!
How to become a pleasant conversationalist
Develop yourself and read more
The more you know, the more interesting it will be to communicate with you. Various fascinating stories and examples will begin to emerge in your memory. So don't miss the opportunity to learn something new:
read books (not only fiction, but also popular science);
watch documentaries from different fields of knowledge: about nature, history, science and culture;
attend educational exhibitions, lectures and seminars.
Train your speech
To maintain a conversation and speak interestingly, you need to be able to formulate thoughts succinctly and clearly. After all, if you start describing one scene from a movie in every detail for 20 minutes, constantly getting confused and confused, or telling how you chose a dress in a store and how many buttons it had, the interlocutor will get bored already in the 2nd minute and stop listening to you. So practice.
Retell entire chapters, trying to grasp the essence and remembering a couple of colorful details.
Read large paragraphs and formulate them into one succinct sentence. Moreover, it is advisable to do this several times every day. And record how long it took you to think. Aim for it to take you a few seconds. Why is this needed? When a successful idea comes to your mind, you will not waste time formulating it, you will not mumble and talk incoherently, but you will be able to express the idea at the moment when it is relevant.
More exercises and useful tips on how to speak beautifully and correctly.
How to keep a conversation going
It doesn't matter who you're talking to - a guy, a girl, a teacher or a stranger. To leave a good impression, you need to follow several important principles.
Show interest
If you want to please and interest a person, start the conversation with something that interests him. Find out about his hobbies and interests. If they partially coincide with you, great, develop this topic. And if not, ask for more details.
If you allow your interlocutor to talk about himself and show interest, consider it a done deal. He will make the most pleasant impression of you.
Know how to listen
Good listeners are worth their weight in gold. So reticence can be your main weapon. But you also need to be able to listen. If you look at your interlocutor with a bored look or are completely buried in your phone, he will quickly end the conversation and look for a more grateful listener. But if you follow the story with interest and ask counter questions in a timely manner, then be sure that he will consider you an excellent interlocutor!
All speakers need listeners. So your ability to listen carefully will make you a pleasant conversationalist.
Learn to ask interesting questions
If you have an important meeting or date coming up and you are afraid that your stiffness and confusion will prevent you from making a good impression, come up with questions in advance that you can resort to when you need to speak. It’s only better if your questions do not imply a short “yes” or “no” answer, but a detailed answer. For example: “Do you like films about love?” is not a very good question, but “What are your favorite movies?” and “Why these?” - will give you time to think and the opportunity to learn more about the person.
Have some interesting stories up your sleeve.
There is an unspoken “rule of 3 stories.” It says that you should always have at least 3 interesting stories to tell. Choose them depending on who you are talking to. So, if it’s enough for a friend to simply tell a funny story about her cat or a chance meeting, then for her parents or a high school student you like, you need to prepare something more interesting.
Don't criticize
Pointless arguments and criticism are a bad way to keep a conversation going. A negative reaction can be remembered for a long time. As a result, you will forget what you argued about, but an unpleasant aftertaste will remain. Talking about something you don't like is also not an option. It's better to talk about what you like. This brings positive emotions.
Keep secrets only with close friends
You shouldn't share your secrets with everyone. This can result in an unpleasant reputation as a gossip. For mysteries and secrets, there are close girlfriends, time-tested. You can whisper with them and consult with them. And in general, there are a range of issues that are good only for a narrow circle of people. Girlfriends generally have few closed topics; you can easily discuss everything - from the merits of Always sanitary pads to the secrets of the heart. Consider this training before communicating with strangers.
Chat on the Internet
The Internet with chat rooms, blogs and social networks has become an excellent help for those who develop their communication skills. You can also develop the art of communication in writing - this helps to correctly formulate thoughts and observe the reactions of your interlocutors. You can start communicating right now, in the comments to this article!
Don't communicate with people you are not interested in
And, of course, the main advice. You shouldn’t pretend and pretend that you are very pleased to communicate with someone, but think to yourself: “I wish this would end soon!” Communication should be enjoyable for both parties. Therefore, try to avoid boring and uninteresting interlocutors.
How do you feel about friendship between a guy and a girl? Do you have friends of the opposite sex?
What do you think, are you a good conversationalist?
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