Family life is happiness and harmony for some and real hell for others. Sometimes the mistakes of youth can not only darken your future existence, but also cause serious health problems, both physical and mental.
It is better to end an unsuccessful marriage than to continue to live in agony with a person who does not care about the happiness and peace of others. A quiet life afterward with children is preferable to those who consider themselves the center of the universe.
How to survive a divorce from your husband if you have small children?
Psychologists and women who have experienced divorce are unanimous in their opinion that it is better to end the relationship and dissolve the marriage with the person who causes mental and, especially, physical suffering.
The difficulties that arise are quite surmountable - the state will provide financial assistance, you can turn to parents, girlfriends or specialists in the field of psychology for moral support.
Officially, a woman raising a child on her own after a divorce does not have the status of a single mother, and the state provides a slightly different type of assistance.
If there is no dash in the “father” column, then the child is being raised in a single-parent family, and the mother can count on the following types of government assistance:
- – payments of a voluntary or compulsory nature received for the maintenance of a child from a person excluded from participation in the educational process. , the frequency and method of payments are determined by the parents or the court if it is impossible to agree on their own;
- – money coming from the ex-husband for maintenance. Payments are relevant if the husband left his pregnant wife, the mother is raising a child, the baby is under three years old, the woman needs medical care;
- standard state benefits for families with minor children. The list of which can be clarified at the social security authorities or at your place of work.
In general, it will be easier to get over a breakup if you focus on something useful, find an interesting job or start a business. The most important thing is not to fall into despair and not allow difficult thoughts to cloud your worldview.
Divorce is not always evil; sometimes it is the only way out of personal hell into a world of happiness and joy. Even if a woman is left alone with a small child, there will always be kind people who will provide all possible help.
Divorced from my tyrant husband: how to move on?
Smiling and rejoicing that life has finally turned around. A small child is not a problem, very soon he will go to kindergarten, then to school, and the mother will have more free time, which can be spent on herself and organizing her life.
In the meantime, while the baby has not yet grown up and requires a lot of attention, you should concentrate on him and forget about all past adversities.
If you need support, you can turn to your friends, mother or a specialized agency, if your financial situation allows. As difficult as it may be to raise a small child alone, the real problems can begin when the kitchen tyrant realizes how difficult it is for him to live without his significant other.
According to statistics, the majority are weak-willed and experience a deep inferiority complex. As a rule, such male representatives are afraid to be alone; they cannot cope with problems on their own and require constant attention.
In this case, the wife is a kind of outlet on which you can lash out, throw out the accumulated negativity and even hit.
When he begins to realize that there is no one else to “love” him, attempts will begin. At first it will be flowers, apologies and invitations to a cafe.
Then, if the woman does not give up and does not make a new mistake, there will be threats, calls, messages and other actions that have qualifications in the criminal code.
You should not wait until a desperate and lonely, very complex and angry “man” at the whole world takes active action to return “his” woman or child.
If signs of danger appear, you should write a statement to the police and temporarily move out of the apartment whose address your husband knows. To be on the safe side, you can tell your neighbors that your ex-husband is inappropriate and threatening.
Is it necessary for a divorced woman to remain alone?
It makes absolutely no sense to remain single and avoid communication with men. A growing child needs a second parent.
According to statistics, children who grew up without a father are less adapted to the realities of life and more often cannot find an adequate way out of a difficult life situation. If a worthy candidate for the title of husband is found, the life of the young mother will also become easier.
You should think about making new acquaintances as soon as the emotions from the divorce subside. From a purely practical point of view, it is easier to find a husband with an infant than with a one-year-old. It will also be easier for a new dad to make friends with his baby if he starts dating from the earliest days.
How to find a worthy person and get married with a child from your first marriage?
In fact, finding a good man is not difficult, the main thing is to set priorities and stop fantasizing.
When going on a “search”, you can ask yourself several questions, in particular:
- Who is a good man?
- What should and should not a husband do?
- How old should a man be?
- What is his life experience?
- How should he treat the child?
The concept of “good man” or “good husband” is very subjective, but it is possible to identify certain universal features of the ideal chosen one and father for a child:
- he must be kind to the woman and the baby;
- do not show aggression towards them even in difficult situations;
- have certain goals and means for supporting the family;
- should not be embarrassed by the fact that the new chosen one has a child from another man;
- be able to properly distribute your time so that it is enough for all family members.
In fact, it is possible to determine whether a man meets the criteria of “good” or not after a week of intensive communication; then you can resort to psychological methods of identifying hidden motives and characteristics.
The most important thing for determining the character and inclinations of a man is to give him the opportunity to open up. From the first day of acquaintance, you should not set prohibitions and limit him; the most important thing is to understand the essence of a person, and not to see his ability to pretend.
A man's rich life experience is good, but his quality (experience) must be assessed. If a person has gone through all the recent wars or served several terms in a colony, he has plenty of experience, but what about his psyche?
A good father will be a man who has lived with a woman and understands the importance of relationships.
If a man has not been married, you need to find out the reason why he was married for so long, if he had one. “Big children” and “mama’s boys,” for all their complaisance, can be a real problem.
They are not looking for a lover, not the mother of their children or a life partner; for them, empathy, listening skills, culinary skills and knowledge of home sanitation rules are more important in a woman. Such men will bring money into the house, will not cheat, shout or hit (as long as they are sober), but if difficulties arise, they can behave unpredictably and cause harm to themselves or others.
There are no universal “rules for choosing a good man”; any woman looking for a father for her child must be guided by her own experience, “listen to her heart” and weigh her capabilities against her needs. Tales of paradise in a hut are not relevant to life in the harsh reality of the present.
Advice from psychologists on how girls can arrange their personal lives after a divorce with a child
Experts in the field of family psychology recommend not to become discouraged if a divorce does happen. The best remedy for stress is introspection and abstraction from the past.- How to reduce the psychological damage caused to a child by divorce?
Even before the divorce, the child feels that the relationship between the parents is deteriorating, that something is happening. As a result, children develop, for example, nervous tics, absent-mindedness, and a decrease in academic performance. Teachers are the first to notice this. And parents may think that they are very successful in hiding their discord from their children.
Therefore, first of all, you need to sincerely explain to your child that everything between you is not the same as before. A child will experience mental trauma after a divorce, but we can soften it with explanations of what happened and what we will do next.
Parents must admit to the child the responsibility of both of them for the divorce: “We are to blame. Somewhere we couldn't help each other. Somewhere they couldn’t understand each other. And now it is very difficult for us to unite what has been broken; now it will not be restored.”
If a divorce is already occurring, you can tell the children that “The relationship between mom and dad has reached a dead end. It will be better for everyone if we live separately for some time. It happened. This is just our relationship, moms and dads. And we still love you, me and dad. We are separated, but you remain our child. You have a mom, you have a dad." If dad leaves for someone else, then he must explain why.
At the same time, I believe, and practice shows, that in no case should you speak badly about the other spouse: “He is bad,” “She is bad.” It’s better to say: “It happened. We can't live together anymore. It's just painful for us to be together. But I will always respect your dad (your mom). I will always be grateful to dad (grateful to mom) for having you.”
It's not always easy. Sons in a situation of divorce often blame their mother: “Dad left - it’s your fault. Now, if you were thin (you were beautiful, you knew how to cook), dad wouldn’t have left us.” You cannot punish the child at this moment, or start blaming the dad in return. Mom must restrain herself and say: “Son! You're very excited right now. When you calm down, we’ll talk about it.”
It is necessary to ask the child for help in getting through this moment - the situation of divorce. He will know that he must help mom and dad get through their divorce. And then he realizes his emotions and experiences creatively.
Having survived a divorce, after some time the spouse left with the children (usually the mother) usually thinks about a new marriage. How to build it so that children are happy?
Firstly, practice shows that if a new relationship is built in the first year after a divorce, it is usually unpromising. Because, as a rule, in the first six months after a divorce, a person experiences a separation acutely: self-esteem falls, and an inadequate assessment of others arises. After these six months, a jump in self-esteem occurs, and a person has a desire to find a new partner. And often during this period a person meets someone whom he mistakes for a “prince on a white horse” (or a princess). “He is the best, with him everything will be different.” After three months, a person begins to recover from the mental trauma caused by divorce and begins to perceive everything adequately. And he sees his new partner in the true light.
Therefore, you should not build a new relationship in the first year after a divorce. This time must be spent, first of all, on getting yourself in order as an individual, as a person, in order to believe in your strengths and evaluate your capabilities.
After a divorce, roles in the family partially change. The son becomes the mother's assistant. But the mother should not put him in her husband’s place, saying: “This is my man. You are my only man in the house." He is only a son. He helps his mother as much as he can. And if he believes that he is the only man in the house, it will be very difficult for him to accept a new man in the house, and for his mother to build a new relationship.
When starting a new relationship, it is necessary to tell the child again that he is loved, priceless, but the world is so arranged that there should be a man next to a woman. “You are helping me wonderfully. But you are my child. You cannot give me what a man, a husband, can give. When you grow up, you will also need a wife (husband) with whom you will go through life.”
And naturally, do not impose on a person until the child accepts him. Relationships should develop gradually.
In general, it is impossible to give a universal recipe for what exactly to tell a child. It’s intuitive every time, depending on the situation.
It happens that a child takes a selfish position. We were told a story about a mother who devoted her entire youth to her daughter after her husband left, and now her daughter refuses to accept her future stepfather.
In this situation, most likely, the mother considered the girl unhappy. And I tried to prove to my dad that “I will stand it, I will stand it. And alone, by myself, I will raise her to be so wonderful.” Perhaps the mother deprived the girl of her privacy, just as she deprived herself of her privacy. My opinion as a mother is that a child should have his own personal life. We have to come to terms with this. And when we give our child the right to privacy, then in return he gives us the same right.
What is a child's personal life? I believe that from adolescence, a child should have something of his own over which parents have no power. If you have a trusting relationship with your child, then you will know about it. If not, you won't. Parents need to feel: if you are invading some area, and the child puts a barrier to you, it means that this is the area of his personal and intimate - treat with respect, stop in time.
In any case, the child will have a personal life. He will be 16 years old, he will go to work or study further, his parents will no longer have the opportunity to control literally everything. And then parents who did not leave their child his personal life often get lost and realize how lonely they are. The child begins to build his own life, making mistakes and rash actions; because we did not teach or advise in time, we controlled and indicated.
If the mother left with the child fails to remarry, should she try to somehow compensate the child for the lack of male upbringing? Should a woman, after a divorce, pick up a belt or do something else?
No. Nothing good will come of this.
Physical punishment does not mean the presence of male education. Even in two-parent families, mothers can punish. Or what happens? The child’s misbehavior is discovered by the mother, who more often controls lessons and behavior. She complains to dad when he comes home from work and dad takes the belt.
In England, in expensive private schools, boys under 15 are still flogged. They beat them, explaining why. They call this “neurolinguistic coding.” The child simply remembers that this unpleasant consequence is associated with this bad deed.
I think that the mother spanks the child more out of her own powerlessness, and not to compensate for the absence of a man.
Because in fact, I believe that for a child under 10-11 years of age, a mother can make up for the absence of a man. If this is an active lady who will play sports with her child, go hiking with him, go somewhere, and then it’s unrealistic.
- But the main thing is not active rest and work, but a masculine example, a masculine character...
-...A male example, a male outlook on life, attitude towards women. For a girl, starting from the age of three, for her gender role self-determination, the opinion of the male gender is very important. What she looks like, for example. Unlike boys, a girl will look for this on the side. She will ask a neighbor, cling to the security guard at the kindergarten. She needs it. Later, as a teenager, her dad serves as her prototype for a man. The girl on her father masters the social knowledge that she receives at school. For her, her dad's opinion is much more important than her mom's. The boy will suffer in silence, create the desired image of a man in his dreams and use it as a standard of behavior.
Therefore, it is desirable that a woman who knows how to raise a child without a husband have male friends (preferably married) or relatives. So that uncle and grandfather spend at least once a week with the child and can partially make up for what dad does not give them. Or if the father himself meets the child on Saturdays and goes somewhere on vacation with him - that’s even better. And mom won’t be able to make up for this.
Often the main man for a child is the school teacher. This, of course, has its pros and cons. I know of an example where a computer science teacher, in a purely human way, took on the role of an older friend and helped his mother raise a boy. In that situation, after the divorce, dad completely withdrew from communicating with his son.
And again, after a divorce, the child will grow up and determine his own attitude towards his father’s actions. But under no circumstances should a mother say about her father: “He’s such a brute, he abandoned us.” At the age of 14, a child can already comprehend the situation and understand everything correctly. And he will respect his mother much more, who found the courage not to tell him anything bad about his father.
 |
Psychologist Larisa Trutaeva |
A person experiences any loss very hard, and experiences, on this occasion, severe mental pain, which is accompanied by such factors as: resentment, hatred, desire for revenge, love, guilt, shame.
Divorce is no exception. If you have been abandoned by your “loving” husband, with whom you have lived for many years, your usual life collapses in an instant, the fear of being alone arises, and now you cannot even imagine how to live on. And in my soul, there is only one desire left - to return everything back. At first, a woman is exhausted by one thought: “It is better to live badly with her husband than without him.”
Later, the realization of what happened comes, and fears arise: how to survive a divorce from your husband, what means to live on, how to raise children, how to explain the situation to friends and relatives?
Stages of recovery after a breakup
Before a woman fully experiences a divorce from her husband, namely her psycho-emotional state, she has to go through several phases of recovery. We can only speak conditionally about how long each stage takes, since the stage of family life goes differently for everyone; in addition, correction can be made by the psychological characteristics of the partners. To survive a divorce, you must go through all 4 phases.
State of shock
This is a completely normal reaction of a woman to parting with her loved one. In order to live through this phase, it sometimes takes 2-3 months. Some strong ladies would need 15 minutes to cope with the state of shock. But on average, the state of shock lasts about 1 week. During this period, a woman cannot believe what happened, and the main thing she should do is take the help of friends or loved ones. In front of them you can have a little hysteria or cry, shedding tears in large quantities, express all your emotions, of a negative nature, in relation to what happened. This actually makes things a little easier.
Conscious suffering and depression
The duration of this phase is about 2 months, and it is characterized by painful emotions and mental tossing. A woman begins to feel lonely, abandoned by everyone, helpless, she does not see the point in further life, she develops a fear of new things. At this stage, the help of friends and family will also be very important.
Residual effects
As grief gradually recedes into the background, this phase lasts at least 12 months, and you become confident that going through a divorce from your husband is quite possible. But sometimes strong emotional outbursts are possible, for example, if you have to celebrate a family holiday alone, or you see your ex-husband with a new passion.
Completion
The duration of the final stage is usually 1-2 years. During this period, a woman, remembering her divorce from her husband and how she had to endure separation, no longer feels acute pain, but only a slight sadness. A woman begins to believe in herself, understands how to live the situation correctly, tries to solve various problems on her own, and experiences pleasure if she manages to do this. Among other things, her self-esteem is returning to normal, and the time is not far off when she wants a new relationship.
The fact that all stages of recovery have been completed, and it was possible to properly survive the breakup, can be judged by the woman’s behavior:
- she is able to set goals for the future and implement them;
- she looks only forward, without looking back at the past;
- she has calmed down and realizes that the previously obsessive thoughts of returning her ex-husband no longer visit her;
- she can finally forgive her ex-husband for all the emotional pain he caused her;
- she had a desire to live, and not to exist.
How to properly cope with grief?
Although the breakup of a marriage is a rather sad event for you, treat divorce as a serious illness that is completely curable. Recovery from the disease called “the man abandoned” will be long, with periods of remissions and exacerbations, and will definitely take place. According to the advice of psychologists, if you are unable to understand how to survive a divorce from your husband, it is recommended to do the following:
- You need to force yourself to understand, despite the severe mental pain, that your life does not end there. Understand that any situation in life, if you look closely at it from the right side, can be beneficial, don’t forget about it.
- It will be good if you find an opportunity to change the environment immediately after breaking up. Do this so that nothing reminds you of a broken family. It is recommended to go on vacation, further away, for example, to the sea or abroad, or you can live with your parents for a while. This will make it easier to cope with a divorce from your husband. The essence of a change of scenery and environment is so that you can “reboot” and come to your senses. If you understand that these recommendations do not bring you relief, then seek help from a psychotherapist. In addition to psychotherapeutic sessions that can help you survive the divorce from your husband as easily as possible, he is able to identify those mistakes in your behavior that led to the separation. A specialist will give you recommendations on how to prevent them in the future.
- You must remember one thing - you are not an unhappy person. On the contrary, you are a free woman who divorced a man unworthy of you. In addition, you are confident in yourself and should walk through life proudly and independently. Change radically so that you can look at the woman in the mirror that you are with pleasure. Visit a beauty salon and increase your self-esteem.
- Do what you love and live for yourself. You should make the most of your free time. Sign up for some courses, engage in self-improvement, go to the gym or pool. To relax, go to the theater, to a concert of a pop star, or just to the cinema. Also, you can completely immerse yourself in work. The main thing is that you do not have time to think about how to survive your husband’s betrayal and divorce.
- Love yourself. Many women, if their husbands left them, begin to look for the reason for this act in themselves: think that she is a bad housewife, make conclusions that there is something wrong with her in terms of sex. In most cases, these conclusions are unfounded. Therefore, stop beating yourself up and, no matter what, start loving and appreciating yourself.
- Behave with dignity. Not only are you thinking about how to get through a divorce painlessly, but so is your ex-spouse. He is also worried, he is overwhelmed with negative emotions, etc. Therefore, during the divorce process, conduct yourself with dignity. Don’t shout or make trouble, leave the mutual accusations, because they no longer make sense. Also, there is no need to throw yourself on your ex-spouse’s neck and persuade him to return. But how to behave if your ex-husband has a desire to say nasty things to you? Just turn around and leave silently so as not to listen to him. You need to remain in the memory of your ex-husband as a woman full of dignity with her head held high. The time will come, and he most likely will not be able to forget you, and will regret leaving the family. But you won't care anymore.
- The next piece of advice on how to get through a divorce easier is: “Start reading books.” The larger the work you choose, the more it will captivate you with other people's adventures. After all, reading, at all times, was considered the best activity to pass the time or overcome boredom. Once you become fascinated by some literary work, you will think less about how to cope with a separation from your husband.
- Women often ask questions: how to survive a separation from your loved one, and what to do if you love your husband, even after a complete breakup? In such cases, a divorced woman needs to ask a question to her own “I”, or as they also say: “Listen to the voice of the soul.” Ask you, what does this love for the man who betrayed you give you personally? Maybe this is material well-being, or, if there are children, help in raising them, or, in the end, spiritual comfort? Perhaps you have simply developed a habit of love, which can be compared to the fact that you are accustomed to cooking delicious food, keeping your home in order and furnishing it. And without noticing it themselves, they began to consider their husband the most beloved animate object in the house. Therefore, you need to decide what you love most: the family in yourself, or yourself in the family. Simply put, did you love this man for who he is, or played the role of a caring and loving wife.
Divorce and children
Do not think that divorce concerns only you and your husband if there are children in your family. Parting with dad, whom they love no less than you, causes enormous psychological trauma to the child. Therefore, to prevent this situation from causing irreparable harm to the child’s psyche, it is necessary to help your daughter or son and do the following:
- Talk to your child as calmly as possible and explain to him the reasons why a break with his father is inevitable. Construct the conversation about the fact that you want to divorce your spouse in such a way that the child does not hear words that show his father in a bad light. Never insult their father in front of children, because they are very attached to him and love him. Insults directed at a loved one bring additional mental pain to children. They must understand that it is not their fault that their parents are breaking up.
- To save your relationship, don't try to use your children in this thankless game. Understand that breaking a relationship is the end. And, no matter how sad, painful and scary you may feel in this situation, it is important to understand: children should not be a way to get your relationship back if you are confused and don’t know how to survive a divorce from your beloved husband.
- A common mistake made by offended women is a ban that limits their ex-husband’s communication with their children. It's impossible to think of anything more stupid. Behave with dignity, no matter how much you want to take revenge on your ex-spouse. Children should know their father, even if they do not see him very often. This will help your son or daughter survive the separation less painfully, without psychological trauma.
What not to do
Many women, not knowing how to survive a separation from their husband, rush to extremes that should not be done.
Do not even think about taking antidepressants or similar medications. When it comes to the question: how to get through a divorce painlessly, they will not help you. If you suffer from insomnia or you feel that your nervous system needs to relax, then it is better to limit yourself to weak sedatives, mainly herbal ones.
Alcohol
Drinking alcohol does not heal a mental wound, and does not help you get through a divorce easily, but only temporarily dulls painful feelings. But, after sobering up, a person understands that the topic of divorce has not disappeared, and the question of how to survive it has not been resolved. In the future, in order to relax and forget a little again, you will need a large dose of alcohol. Thus, systematic relaxation with the help of alcohol inevitably leads to alcoholism. In addition, under the influence of alcoholic intoxication, you can do a lot of stupid things, for which, at best, you will have to blush.
Closedness
If your husband left you in order to survive stress, do not isolate yourself from the outside world and from people, such as relatives, loved ones, friends and good acquaintances. You shouldn't sit alone all day and suffer. By doing this, you are only doing harm to your health. Of course, you need to cry, throw out your emotions, and be a little sad. But don't get carried away by loneliness. Without communication, in the circle of loved ones or friends who worry about you, you can get a depressive state, which will be more difficult to cure than going through a divorce from your husband.
Replacement
There is no need to immediately look for a replacement for your ex-spouse in order to “unwind” and calm down after a divorce. The opinion that this helps to forget a loved one is erroneous. The advice of a psychologist suggests that the problem of how to survive a divorce from your husband cannot be solved in this way. You will constantly compare the new man with your ex, and in the end, the relationship will fizzle out. And this is another psychological blow that will lower your self-esteem and cause disappointment.
Thus, in order to survive a divorce with dignity and not fall into despair, a woman will need to make every effort. But, in some cases, it is recommended not to wait for the onset of a depressive state, and rather consult a psychologist.
When a marriage breaks up, many begin to have psychological problems that are difficult to cope with on their own. Psychologists give valuable recommendations on how to survive a divorce from your spouse and start a new life. These tips are included in this publication. Various situations and some stories of men and women about divorce will be considered.
How to behave after a divorce?
First of all, you need to perceive divorce not as the end of life, but as a new stage. Many opportunities open up before you that were previously unavailable. Therefore, you need to try not to entertain bad thoughts, and especially not to seek solace in alcohol or cigarettes.
Many people are afraid to start a new relationship after a marriage ends. Fear is understandable, but it must be dealt with. It’s just important to take some time to recover and undergo rehabilitation. If you don’t know how to survive a divorce from your husband or wife, then you should contact a specialist. He will tell you how to live further and what exactly to do in your case.
1. Acceptance of divorce. If you cannot change the situation, then you need to change your attitude towards it. That's what all the experts say, and they're right. What is better after the inevitable separation: to dry out from suffering, live alone, or move on and start a new family? The answer is perhaps obvious. For some people, the problem that has arisen becomes a springboard for internal growth, while for others it becomes a pit with a swamp in which they gradually drown. Tell yourself honestly where you want to be in which of these situations.
2. Marriage is not the whole of life. It is very important to understand this idea in order to easily survive the divorce. Even if all your attention was focused on your broken family, you probably had a specific goal. A person is a unique and inimitable person who has his own desires. Therefore, you need to tell yourself that life goes on with or without marriage. This is one of the effective tips on how to survive a divorce from your wife or husband.
3. Don't be alone. Many people make the mistake of completely immersing themselves in their experiences and closing themselves off from their loved ones and friends. On the contrary, they will help you cope with depression and survive a breakup. You need to communicate as much as possible with good people who love and appreciate you. Better yet, find a circle of optimists and spend a lot of time with them. They will charge you with energy, cheerfulness and activity. But with pessimists and whiners who show pity, it is better to limit communication.
4. Take care of yourself. This may be cliche advice, but it really works. You can take care of your appearance, exercise, go on a diet, or find a new hobby. Perhaps you have long dreamed of learning to knit, play the guitar, ride a bike more often, or go fishing. The period after the divorce provides time for all this.
The best advice is to take your mind off the breakup and occupy your thoughts with something else. A hobby will be an excellent solution and will greatly help in how to survive divorce and betrayal. If you have severe financial problems, you can volunteer. In addition, helping others often helps you forget about your own pain and switch to the problems of others. Remember that a new activity, if it requires meeting people, always means unexpected acquaintances. Who knows, maybe your destiny awaits you there?
What is better not to do after a divorce?
Also, the psychologist’s advice on how to survive a divorce from your wife or husband contains rules that should never be broken. Otherwise, the rehabilitation period will become more complicated and even drag on indefinitely.
1. Don’t blame yourself or your ex for the current situation. Everything that happens in life is a good experience for the future. Therefore, you need to draw conclusions for yourself from a divorce by understanding the reason for the failure. But searching for those to blame and shifting responsibility for what happened will not bring any benefit, but will only stir up unpleasant memories.
2. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Phrases like “how poor and unhappy I am” must be excluded from your thoughts, especially in such a difficult period. Pity sucks all strength, makes you weak and helpless. Therefore, it is important to stop it even from other people. To get through a breakup with dignity, you will need remarkable strength. You need to support yourself with the phrases: “Nothing like this happens in life, I can handle it,” “This will only benefit me,” and so on. You can read stories about how a man survived a divorce from his wife or a woman from her husband. They will help you to be inspired and understand that not everything is so bad.
3. Don't try to bring back the past. There is no need to look for ways to return to your past life and impose yourself on your ex-half. It was not without reason that you decided to break up? You should accept the fact of divorce and come to terms with it. Everything is done only for the better.
4. Don’t start relationships out of anger. Many men and women try to find a new partner after a breakup. By this they want to show their value to the opposite sex and to prick their ex-spouse more painfully. Maybe during your marriage you were considered the best, most interesting and attractive person, but during the relationship, your ex suffered from unmet needs. Therefore, inattention will push you away even more or will not make any impression at all. But such actions will have a destructive effect on new relationships.
How to start a new life?
Psychologists highlight several steps for how to easily survive a divorce and start over with a clean slate.
- Find all the positives in the current situation. In some cases, divorce can be interpreted as a positive outcome of the relationship. For example, the husband was an incorrigible alcoholic or a despot, he even beat his own children. Do you agree that it is better to break up with such a person and not ruin your life? Divorce will open up new opportunities, it is a chance to do what you previously limited yourself to. In addition, you can change yourself, your character, your appearance, or even start your own business. There are only advantages in everything.
- Get rid of memories. After the divorce, life should begin with a clean slate, without returning in thoughts to happy moments with your ex-husband or wife. So if you're wondering how to get over a divorce, start getting rid of everything that reminds you of your past relationship. You can burn photographs, throw away gifts from your spouse, re-paste the wallpaper in the house, and so on.
- Make plans for your future life. The scariest thing is to go into an uncertain future, so it’s better to think in advance about what might await you there. For example, you will make repairs, climb the career ladder, take up fitness, or make new acquaintances. Think carefully about what you want, what you dream of doing in the future. It is best if thoughts do not just float in the air, but are reflected on paper. So make a schedule or even a calendar plan that shows what goals you need to achieve. Let them be small, but quite doable for you.
Stages of going through a divorce
To better understand how to survive a divorce, reviews from men and women say that you need to know what the stages of separation are.
1. Denial stage. Many do not want to believe in what is happening and try to convince themselves in every possible way that nothing happened. Psychologists insist that the divorce must be acknowledged. This is very important, otherwise depression will only drag on.
2. Stage of anger or aggression. When a person realizes what happened, he begins to get angry with himself or the traitor. These are completely normal feelings after a breakup, so you shouldn't beat yourself up over them.
3. Period of negotiations or manipulations. At this time, there is a desire to return the former half. Moreover, anything can be used: money, living space, children, a fictitious illness or pregnancy. Psychologists advise not to take such actions, but only to drive away bad thoughts.
4. The occurrence of depression. A feeling of unhappiness, melancholy and resentment comes. You don’t want anything, your mood and trust in the opposite sex disappear. It is at this stage that many begin to look for advice on how to survive a divorce from their wife or husband. It is important to survive depression and not make it worse.
5. Adaptation stage. Only during this period do people who have experienced divorce begin to adapt and get used to their new life. Wounds are healed, grievances are forgotten and the desire to start a new family appears.
Only after going through all the above stages can you survive the breakup. Moreover, it is important to help yourself at each of them. But how long one goes through a divorce depends on the person and the specific situation. For example, the period of acute pain can last up to two months. The adaptation stage usually lasts from two to six months. The recovery stage can last from six months to a year. But you can finally return to normal in another year or even two. As you can see, you need to be patient to get through this difficult period.
Features of rupture during pregnancy
As a rule, separation involving a pregnant woman occurs in a very young couple. Moreover, the initiator, most often, is a man who is not ready for responsibility. If life is not going well from the very beginning, then divorce is most likely only for the better. It is important for girls not to console themselves with hopes that their husband will come to his senses and return. In most cases this does not happen. The sooner a woman realizes this and begins to deal with how to survive her husband’s betrayal and divorce, the sooner she will be able to start an affair and find the father of her child.
During pregnancy itself, psychologists recommend sweeping away negativity and bad thoughts. It is important to concentrate on the upcoming birth and the health of the baby. This will be impossible if the expectant mother is constantly in tears. You need to take care of yourself, your child, try to survive and become the best parent. It must be remembered that worries greatly harm the fetus! The help of girlfriends alone may not be enough, so you should not be embarrassed to seek professional advice from a doctor or psychologist.
Experiencing divorce with children
Family conflicts are always more difficult to resolve if spouses have a child together. In difficult situations, these are constant courts, aggravated division of real estate, property and even offspring. Some people are faced with the problem of how to survive a divorce with two children.
Under such circumstances, it is important for parents to try to remain friends, because meetings with the child are inevitable. Children feel the emotional state of their father and mother and unconsciously copy it, especially if they are small. Also, you should not turn your children against one of the spouses or limit their communication (unless, of course, this is prohibited by the court), this will only aggravate the situation. It’s also not worth discussing the reasons for divorce with children, but convincing them that they are still loved is definitely necessary.
Psychologists recommend engaging in education and planning for the child’s life. If moving is inevitable, then you need to think about a new school, clubs and leisure activities for the holidays. Let the ex-husband also take an active part in upbringing. High school children and students have a simpler attitude towards their parents’ divorce, so it will be easier for them.
How to survive betrayal and divorce
It is always more difficult to forgive a spouse if another woman or man caused the breakup. The suffering only intensifies, because betrayal is a serious betrayal. If a divorce has already occurred, then psychologists recommend only one thing - to understand and come to terms with the fact that this was not your person.
You can’t compare yourself with your opponent, try to find flaws in yourself and beg your ex to come back. Also, many people make the mistake of starting to blackmail with children or property. Then how to survive betrayal and divorce? Just let the person go, forgive him, wish him happiness and move on with your life. Let him create a new family, and you will definitely be happy with another person.
Experiencing divorce after 30 years
In fact, 30-35 years is still quite a very young age. Therefore, you should not live in memories and grieve for a long time about a failed marriage. You need to look at the situation in a positive way. You have already gained experience in building family relationships, running a household and at work. If you don’t have children yet, you can focus on your career. This age is the most attractive for employers. You can also change your profession, get additional education, or start traveling. With the advent of children there will no longer be such opportunities.
Divorce after 40 years
At this age, family ties break up very often. Moreover, this may be associated with a new period of “growing up”, with a crisis stage. In general, general recommendations will help you on how to survive a divorce from your husband after 40 years or from your wife. In Russia, this age is considered middle-aged, so many people are worried about the lack of children. The solution may be adoption or in vitro fertilization.
Loneliness after 50 years
At this age, it is most difficult to accept the situation of divorce, because youth is already far behind. In fact, life after fifty is just beginning! Surely the family has adult children and grandchildren with their own interests. You need to try to get close to them and invest all your strength in them. They will help you get through this difficult period.
You can also forget about suffering if you open an exciting business in which you need to put your whole soul. The sadness will pass, and there will be a feeling of transition to a new, better stage of life.
All of the above recommendations from psychologists really work and help, so you shouldn’t neglect them. For inspiration, consider some testimonials and stories from people who have experienced divorce. How did they cope with the situation?
Example when a husband cheats
Sometimes this happens: a woman realizes that a man is cheating on her. Although there was love, a common child, trips to nature, going to the movies, and so on. Usually a woman asks her husband to return for a long time, even begs him, but divorce is inevitable. After some time, she decides that she has had enough of humiliation, changes her image, hairstyle, wardrobe, loses weight and stops calling her ex-husband. After this, he himself will begin to look for meetings with his child. After a divorce, many friends advise signing up for fitness and foreign language courses. This is a great chance to get yourself in order and take the first step to visit another country. Perhaps you will meet a nice man during the course and a relationship will begin. This happens to many women, they even get married again and live very happily.
Example when the wife is to blame
In some cases, only after marriage can a man realize that his wife is too demanding. She literally “nags” him, constantly telling him that he is doing everything wrong, although he tries, and his wife does not even notice it. And it is not surprising that a man can take a mistress without knowing how to survive a divorce. Relationships with a new passion don’t always work out well and you can’t forget your old love. A man begins to feel depressed, but only his work saves him. And it’s good if you come across an understanding boss who will load you up with orders for a while. This way there will be no time left for sadness and thinking about your personal life. Several years will pass, the man will fly up the career ladder, and will not even remember his ex-wife.
Autocratic husband
It happens that a husband becomes a tyrant over time, although he was a wonderful person. At first, he forbids using cosmetics, having beautiful things, communicating with friends and generally having personal space. The husband will dominate everything. Later he will begin to show aggression, insult and humiliate. When the first assault occurs, sometimes the woman realizes that this can no longer continue. Without regret, she files for divorce and goes to live with her parents.
After a breakup, some girls sign up for psychological training. There they hear many similar stories of women who have experienced divorce. A professional coach who conducts classes helps increase self-esteem and love yourself. Women are transformed before our eyes. After the training, they find a good job, win back their girlfriends and meet a worthy man.
Alcohol is a cause of divorce
In some situations, women leave men who abuse alcohol. They make bad family men; they do not strive for a good salary, do not help with the housework, and do not devote time to their wife and child. They prefer to spend all their free time with their drinking buddies. Women can't stand it and file for divorce. For some men, such a turn in life becomes a good “shake-up”. They spend a long time persuading their spouse to return and begin to act. The first thing, of course, is alcohol. A man can become so desperate that he will never drink again in his life. Afterwards, some find decent work, while others even open their own business. Seeing such changes, many wives return to their former spouses.
Now you know how easy it is to get over a divorce and start a new life. You shouldn’t withdraw into yourself and constantly grieve about your failed family. You need to accept what happened, be positive and move forward. In a few years, you won’t even think about divorce because you will find new happiness.
